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- Mood:
happy
I miss James terribly. I had a dream about him last night and he was leaving going into the armed forces or something like that. All I remember is trying to get back to him before left so I could atleast say good bye. I was running to get to him I jest had to make it to see him I didn't make it though. He was already getting picked up by a hellicopter and there were people holding me back and I was screaming and crying . I am almost crying now thinking about it. It was a devistaing feeling and a sharp contrast to the dream that I had about him the other night.
I just want to be with him. I think about him all the time. There is always something that I see or something that is said that reminds me of him. When I am laying on the couch watching a movie, I just wish he was there too, holding me. Everyday that passes I feel a little bit more like I have made a HUGE mistake. I just wish I knew how he felt. He talks to me, but just barely. Every time I talk to him, I just want to tell him how much I miss him, that I love him with all of my heart and that I am sorry. I want to tell him that but I don't. He has never given me the slightest hint that that's what he wanted.
I want to go to the concert tonight for no other reason than just to see him. It's not possible though. I want to call him and ask him if he want's to meet for breakfast but I won't.
I have never checked anyones mail and no found out about someone else. Once again I have checked someone's mail. It's not something that I make a habbit of, i have only actually ever done it three times. If I ever have the feeling that something isn't quite right, if there is something going on that makes me think that something is up, or if you are just being sneeky, then I will, if I have the means, check your email. Once again I found out about another girl and that someone was lying to me.
You asked me what was wrong, when I went to bed early. I said nothing your just a liar and you were all sorts of confused. I told you that I read your email and I knew about Kayla who you had been telling you loved and missed. All while you were with me. I told how your "roommate" was letting you borrow your car so you could go and watch your aunts kids cause she was going in for surgery . When infact, that was the weekend I was going to watch my grandfather because my aunt was going out of town and I asked you if to come with me so I wouldn't have to drive up by myself. I told you about how your "roommate" was going to get you the pirates game or let you borrow the money so you get it afterwork. I told you how you were planning on going to see her but it would be later rather than sooner.
you were atleast smart enough not to say anything about me checking your email.
at first you tried to play dumb like you didn't know what I was talking about. Then you said the last time you "remember" email her was about 3 weeks ago. Then you said that she didn't really talk to you anymore cause you told her about me 6 weeks ago and your told her you were "falling" for me. You said that you "thought" you loved her. So I asked you why you were fucking me if you thought that you loved her. you said you realized you were perfectly happy with me a couple weeks ago. I asked when and you said around our birthdays. I said "oh you mean when you were telling her that you love her and miss her and you wish you had a phone so you could call her?" He didn't have much to say. You said you had nothing before you met me, just your little bag of clothes. You asked me what I wanted you to do or say, I said "nothing" to both. After a little bit I asked you the same. You said "Nothing, you did nothing wrong. I know I have no say in what happens between us."
I don't know what to do. I told you today "I want you to realize, we are not on good terms." You said "I know."
I told you last night we are over.
I told you today you are on probation
I miss him terribly. I don't think he cares though. I don't even know if he would believe me if I were to tell him. I can't believe that he would be able to believe that I don't care for him. He told me that he left all of my cards and letters and picture that I sent him, so I could see how much time I "wasted" on him. Only thing is I don't consider any time that I spent on him wasted. Not one word that I wrote, not one card that I sent, not one tear that I shed, and aspecially not one "I love you" that I said was wasted. I love him. No thoughts or feeling or time was ever wasted on him. Writing that now makes me feel like a hypocriate. I told him I was leaving him cause I wanted to get married and he did not. He said let's get our own place and think about that in a couple of years. That wasn't good enough for me though. If no time with him is wasted then, why couldn't I have just tried what he said. I often wonder if I did the right thing. I tell myself "you wanted to get married, he doesn't. It would only hurt more if you waited." I tell myself that in hopes that I will believe it and for a second I might, but it never stays. My friends and family tell me that I did the right thing and that I am strong for actually being able to do it. I think they say I am "strong" cause they know that I didn't really want to. We were happy. We were always happy. There was passion. We wanted eachother. You could see it in our eyes. We were perfectly happy doing nothing at all so long as we were together. I so often feel asthough I have made a mistake. I doin't thik he would take me back, even if I tried though. Maybe that's why I don't.
I had plans of taking you home and taking advantage of you, but on my way home all I could think about is you pulling away from me cause you would rather play a fucking computer game than you would be with me. I don't even know if that's true, that you would reject an advance of mine, but I can picture it. You spend more time with that game than you do me. You look forward to playing that game more than you do doing anything with me.
As much as I don't have with you, it makes me think of everything I have had with a certain person. A certain person that I still miss very much. It makes me wonder if I did the right thing or not. It makes me wonder if I was too hasty. I loved him, he loved me and still I left him. Maybe I should have waited tried to make it work. There weren't any problems he just wasn't ready to get married. We were happy. His friends liked me; Mine liked him. He wanted us to get a place together just him and me. We were the picture perfect couple. There was passion, oh was there passion.
There are so many times while being with you, makes me miss him.
On that same note, other men who don't want to be with me all look more forward to seeing me and spending time with me than you do. They want to go out and do stuff or even if we are just at their house hanging out they don't spend all, or really any of their time on the computer. Then sit next to me and laugh and joke and tell stories and watch movies just me and them no distractions. Spending time with me means more to them than a computer does. Maybe though, that's the problem you always see me. We live to gether and sleep together and work together. We are together, as in the same building, pretty much 24 hours a day. We however don't spend ANY quality time together. You don't notice me when I am in the house if noone has kicked you off the computer. You notice when I am not home or when I am with another guy, then you notice. Even then though, you still don't do anything to make me feel special, that you want only me, or even just that you don't want anyone else to have me. You aren't passionate towards me and sex most of the time, feels like a chore. There is play between us but that's about it. Lot's of play and no passion at all.
It kills me to think that I can have such amazing passion with people who aren't interested in and none with you.
- Mood: excited
- Mood:pissedthefuckoff
- Mood:
contemplative
i have really missed you reciently. i have really needed someone to talk to. i understand that you are going through a hard time and having just lost your mother, but if you don't get out and live and try and move on you will never feel better. i understand that you are hurting and it seems like the best way to handle things is to isolate yourself and deal with your grief and pain alone. i know that when your friends ask you if you are okay or how you are doing that it seems like they are only twisting the knife in your heart and you just want to scream at them "No, i'm not fucking okay!" or "shut the fuck up have you lost your mother? No?! then you have no idea what the fuck i am going through!" the reaon we ask these things is cause we care and we know you are hurting. maybe you have your reasons for your choices. maybe you choose to hang out with others cause they mean less or more to you then the rest of us, but the rest of us care just the same as them and maybe more.
it only takes a few seconds to return a call. it only takes a couple of seconds to let us know that you are just the same.it only a few moments to let us know that you are atleast a little better. maybe you don't want to talk to us cause you are affraid that you are going to hear "i'm sorry" another time and that you've probably heard it enough times to make you feel like exploding if you hear it just once more.
i don't understand how our friendship has survived the sex, and the time apart but once i say "i love you" everything goes to hell. i didn't say hey let's get married and have kids. i didn't even say that we should date. if you are so surprised by the fact of how i feel, i don't know why. you are an absolute wonderful man and i don't know why more women don't say this or feel it. maybe they were just smarter then me. maybe they just knew better then to get so close. or do the things that we have done. but come on we have been friends for 7 years. as long as we have been friends i still feel that i am stuck on the outside and you just refuse to let me in. you say that you can't help but talk to me and tell me what's in your head and that when you are around me whatever you are thinking just comes out. the strangest side i have ever seen of you is when i was talking to you about andrew, who you knew was jealous of you, you seemed amost sinical with your evil laugh and your "tell him i said hi." in that devious voice. what the hell was that about. what about when i told you i was engaged i would have sworn that you had a heart attack and then the sigh of releif after i told you that it was just a joke. don't tell me that i am perfect but you can't date me casue of that. it seems like a bold faced lie. if you ever wanted to know my thoughts there they are. i hope you got something out of it if nothing more then a laugh. so i am hear if you ever want to talk again.
shauna
- Mood:
depressed - Music:this is how i feel
i hope my mother does as well as her parents are doing. they are in their 80's and my mom just turned 60. i don't know what i will do when my mother's time comes. or if i was going through what jake is. i admire him for being as strong as he is. he probably feels the needs to be strong for everyone else. i wouldn't be able to cope that well.
